The Expert Consultant from Amityville Gives Her Opinion on Your Second-Rate Haunted House
by Lori D'Angelo
There are too many spiderwebs and not enough blood. Speaking of blood, did you use ketchup? Because no one uses ketchup anymore. It’s too bright and too clumpy. And witches? While some are okay, most of them don’t have that Romantic Era quality that you’re looking for in a country manor attraction. Unless you live in Salem, witches just don’t work. Think coiled executioners’ ropes. I can show you how to make them pop out of the ceiling. Coffins are good, but vampires are so last season. Hire some children, too, preferably girls, preferably twins. Preferably sporting pigtails and blue jumpers. They should stay silent, but they can grin. For sound effects, you want creaking doors, howling wolves, eerie laughter, and screams that mimic the cries of the damned. As for props, vintage dolls do work well. So do rustic wooden crosses. Hang them upside down or sideways. Make them look askew. Put out some notched beeswax candles. Draw some pentagrams clockwise in chalk. Like this. Sprinkle around some white powder on the wood floors. Then walk through it in big soled shoes. Cover the antique furniture with white sheets. Hang oval shaped mirrors. For the dining room, put out some half-eaten food and lipstick-stained, not-quite-empty goblets. Oh, yes, of course, a Ouija board is always ominous, but don’t let anyone touch it. Once the darkness is unleashed, it can’t be contained. Remind me to tell you what happened to my brother. After he went on the asylum tour with amateurs who had gotten their certification online, he was never the same. Where are your old black and white photos? Didn’t your ancestors pass theirs down to you along with their burial instructions? The most important thing is ghosts. Wait—is this place even actually haunted? Well, I can help. Come with me to the top of the staircase, where the railing is loose. Walk towards the air and keep going. At first, it’s awful, but you’ll get used to it. Eventually.
Lori D'Angelo's work has appeared in literary journals including Drunken Boat, Gargoyle, Hawaii Pacific Review, the Potomac Review, and Word Riot. She is a fellow at Hambidge Center for Creative Arts, a grant recipient from the Elizabeth George Foundation, and an alumna of the Community of Writers at Squaw Valley. You can find her on Twitter @sclly21 and on Instagram @lori.dangelo1 .